If all of your friends were "doing it for the 'gram" would you ju- oh wait.

I have like 37 other drafts that I'm working on which is why I've decided to start something new. See how I am?

I'm struggling with discouragement, and I want to share this without sounding like a cross-stitched pillow in all of its infinite wisdom. "I don't know everything, I'm still a work in progress, I'm right where I need to be..." 

My biggest fear is that I share my brain for the internet to pick and unintentionally build this idea that I don't struggle through my struggles.

I remember hearing a pastor once say that what we see online is the highlight reel of a person's life, the perfectly manicured posts to match an aesthetic, to appeal to the masses, to gain followers, likes, comments... and we naturally compare it to every part of our life, including the nitty gritty parts.

It's very easy to see people share what seems like their heart and soul online and think they don't struggle, or when they do share their struggles, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparison. It is hard to not be cynical when we come across these things online because struggles aren't manicured. Chaos isn't organized. 

But picking up the pieces can be. I stress on the can because healing isn't linear and the steps to heal don't really have an order. Healing is often messy, but the testimony that comes out of healing, when all the pieces do come together, is where we can find the tidiness in chaos. 

That tidiness in the chaos often manifests itself into manicured posts online, where the word vomit and ideas are put together in a way that makes sense. 

An online presence is a very small window into the struggles that people face in their lives, so it is important to cast aside assumptions as the viewer, and to be as genuine as possible, without white-washing the truth and crossing the TMI line as a creator. (This is a very important line pls do not cross thiiiiiis.)

So here I am, sharing my mental health struggles and other shenanigans and stuff in the name of truth, honesty, and not "doing it for the 'gram." 

That being said, I'd like to get back to my point- discouragement has me tied up in knots this season. 

I'm discouraged while sorting old photos of me wearing clothes that are currently gathering dust in my closet. Discouraged as I look down at my loose skin covered in stretch-marked evidence of God's handiwork, the reason why the clothes I love are gathering dust. Discouraged by the way my motivation to work out has just disappeared. Discouraged by the lack of artwork I've made in the past month and a half because my son keeps me busy with sleep regressions and getting into literally everything. Discouraged that my ad revenue account is going to close soon because I didn't reach the ad interaction quota within a certain time frame. Discouraged because I'm told what I'm feeling isn't discouragement, but discontentedness, which makes me feel guilty. Discouraged by the fear of sharing this because I don't want to put out the wrong idea that I want sympathy or that I just want to complain.

I've been discouraged because my days just whiz by. I'm so busy, but I have literally no clue what I do all day??

*@ mama's with tiny humans, amirite?*

I don't know what to make of this type of busy. And I know busy, as a former full-time college student with part-time work while planning my wedding in 4 months while getting ready to move. I'm no stranger to getting 4 hours of sleep at a time, when my days consisted of 7 cups of coffee, dry shampoo, and murder. The busy I experience now is gallons of water (because breastfeeding), stretchy pants, and "hey where is his pacifier" or "did he poop today?" Busy, like hey, I can't ever remember to vacuum, and laundry is piling up, but at least I didn't cry today??

*Dry shampoo is also still definitely on this list.*

Sometimes I make banana bread with organic whole wheat flour after a beautiful dinner with all the trimmings. I'll spend the whole afternoon meal prepping and cooking dried beans with a Pinterest perfect Instant Pot recipe. Other times my husband and I will order pizza so we don't have to do dishes and then immediately regret it because we eat plant-based and we definitely got the cheesiest pizza on the menu. Sometimes I am consistent with watering and feeding my plants. Sometimes I'm really good at following through with my entire morning and night routines. Other times I just need to sit on the floor with my son for another half hour, singing silly songs and playing pattycake. Other times I really need to sleep in, skip breakfast and have an early lunch while my drooping plants stare sappily at me. 

A part of me is crushed, and I know a lot of it has to do with how easily I become irritable and annoyed by the littlest of things (thanks PTSD) and the other part of me is going "boo-freaking-hoo, life happens, roll with the punches, it won't be like this forever." 

But there is beauty to find in this, right? 

Well of course, I remind myself as I stare at my cluttered shelves and toy-strewn floor. I'm where I'm supposed to be, I remind myself. Your baby is healthy, I remind myself. You have more than you need, I remind myself. I've got a roof over my head, hot meals, and a warm bed. (lol that rhymes.)

As grateful as I am for these things, none of that acknowledges the suck I feel from the discouragement. 

In a culture prone to romanticizing pain and finding beauty in pain, it is hard to come by what is really needed, and that is to be seen in the struggle. To be told "you're where you're supposed to be" doesn't hold a candle to hearing "this sucks right now, and that's okay.

"What do you need right now?"

"This is tough, and what you are feeling is normal."

"The way you are experiencing the world does not define who you are."

"You are bigger than your experiences, but that doesn't make them any less real."

A little acknowledgement goes a long way. 

It would be nice if discouragement wasn't common, but because it is, we need to be better at encouraging others in a healthy way. Not to say that these cross-stitch statements aren't true, but we cannot ignore the bad if we want to make things good or make things better. Blanket positive statements without acknowledging the discouragement is not helpful or constructive because they diminish the very real feelings and circumstances a person is going through. To only focus on the good stuff and ignore the bad stuff is what we call ✨toxic positivity✨

I understand this is where God has me. I understand things will get better. But things aren't "better" right now, because right now I could use a long hot shower and 5 minutes to myself where I'm not on high alert for a curious baby and extremely aware of my floordrobe I've been living from for the past week. For someone to not try to fix what is going on or tell me how I feel (which is never appropriate in any circumstance e v e r) but to just listen and tell me I'm not crazy for feeling this way. I don't need my struggles validated, I want them recognized for what they are; real and raw struggles.  

Discouragement sucks. Positive statements are good, but acknowledging what is real and in front of you and meeting yourself where you are at is even better. 

This is hard work. I do struggle. And that's okay.

~I can almost hear the little cries of my other drafts as I write this very small but very real glance into the season I find myself in. 

Listening to: Not Right Now by Jason Gray

What I Wish I Knew About Mental Health #1

This is something that has been on my heart for a while. 

As it may be obvious based on my previous posts, talking openly about mental health is something that I feel very strongly about. I strive to be another voice in the battle against mental health stigmas, working towards a future where it won't be seen as an act of courage to be open about mental health struggles, where we can freely speak of mental illnesses in the same way we talk about other illness like cancer. 

In order for there to be a better understanding, there must be openness, on both sides; one side must be open to teach, while the other must be open to learn and cast aside all biases and assumptions. 

This is the first of many posts in a series I'm calling "What I Wish I Knew About Mental Health" where I will discuss a variety of topics such as treatment plans, the do's and don'ts of interacting with someone who has a mental illness, and to create avenues to resources for those who need help, or want to go into counseling as a career. In this series, I hope to shed some light on some issues that I face as a psych graduate with a disordered brain, while creating an atmosphere of welcomed questions and discussion. 

I will not be sugar coating, romanticizing, or white-washing anything discussed in these posts. My mission is to tell the truth, but not without love, grace, and sensitivity; the truth is that mental illness is a very real disability, and affects a tremendous amount of people around the globe. To tell anything short of the very real and raw truth is doing a lot of people a disservice, including myself. Because of the very raw nature of discussing mental health, there will be trigger warnings at the beginning of each post. 

To kick off this series, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce my own struggles, and where my heart is with the project.

*It is very important to note that these are personal experiences, and while I am training to be a licensed art therapist, none of what I write should be taken as medical advice. Please talk to your doctor or make an appointment with a licensed counselor or mental health professional if you feel that you need help.*

***T/W: suic*de, self-h*rm, s*xual trauma, nightmares.***

I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and nightmare disorder, which is a type of parasomnia. I have been in mental health counseling since April of 2019 when I started noticing that I was experiencing symptoms of depression. I started with going once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month, and now I go at least once every other week. My treatment plan is fairly fluid, and discussed often in my counseling sessions. I journal, read in my Bible, workout, and get outside as often as possible, though journaling has shown the best results in my healing process. I do not take meds, not because I'm anti-medication, these at-home treatments in conjunction with counseling just work for me.

My diagnosis for depression wasn't until November of 2019 when I started experiencing more symptoms, notably thoughts of self-harm and suicide. When I started imagining self-harm as if it were an itch that needed to be scratched, that was when I was really worried, and discussed a possible diagnosis with my counselor. Months later, around January/February of 2020, I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my traumatic divorce due to intimate betrayal and sexual trauma. (Many details of that are stories for another day.) Nightmare disorder is my new diagnosis, as of early last week. I see now in hindsight (which is always 20/20...) this is something I've been aware of since the end of 2017, meaning I've been undiagnosed for four years. (Apparently dreaming exclusively about spiders, the world ending, casting demons out of things or places, and my trauma isn't normal???) Sometimes my brain likes to throw in something new, like horrible things happening to my son or my husband. (just to keep it spicy I guess..?)

As someone who is studying to become a licensed art therapist, not seeing the signs clearly has been frustrating for me. My PTSD and nightmare disorder diagnoses were not a surprise to me, once I was prompted. It was like the pieces all came together once it was brought to the front of my mind that there was a name for what I was feeling. I wasn't blissfully unaware of my symptoms, it was just frustrating to not see and name my experiences first. It has made me feel incompetent in my abilities as one who studies the subject.

I never thought anything of my dislike of sleep for four years, even as a full-time college student with a part time job and now as a mother of an infant. I didn't think anything of my anxiety right before bed, or that constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop was a trauma response. Four years, I thought that I was one of those weirdo adults that was afraid of the dark, but it turns out that it is also a symptom. These diagnoses have made me learn to have grace for myself, and further instill in me the importance of not leaning on self-diagnosis. It is a constant battle between the pride I take as someone who is educated, and the fact that I am not fit to diagnose my own problems.

So, that's me in three paragraphs.

Talk about fun, right? 

Even in the thick of my hardest days, I've never lost hope. I don't know if this is because I know the science behind mental illness, but I've been able to see the other side of things and keep my days in perspective. I have to try harder some days to find the silver lining, but I find it nonetheless. It's a responsibility and a privilege to find hope in dark days when the only thing you want to do is crawl into bed and do literally nothing. 

These struggles I face have only fanned the fire inside of me to be a part of the solution, to show people like me that they're not alone, and that their struggles are valid and very real, despite what others may say. 

I hope that this has been enlightening, and perhaps enjoyable (?) to read. In future posts, I'll go further into each of my diagnoses, what I like to do to find my hope, and answer questions if I get any. (I'm still getting maybe 20 people at most that read my posts, so we will see??)

~Leaps of faith are super scary but I'm doing it anywayyyyyyy.

Living with PTSD: Grow or Suffer

Having mental health problems pushes you to make one of two choices: process and grow, or wallow and suffer. There is literally no in-between.

In my quest to heal from PTSD and depression, God revealed to me that I am to share my experiences, little bits at a time. "You will have your time to share your whole truth, but not yet." I struggle with this. A lot. I know that God has given me this great task to share my experiences by writing a book, but there is so much pressure to share tactfully because my story is tied up with the stories of others. 

All I know is that God doesn't want me to focus on details, names, exact dates or timelines, because He wants me to focus on how I'm becoming more like the woman He created me to be. Plus the lessons and growth are way cooler than the drudgery of trauma. The glow-up is more exciting than the grit.

A part of my healing process has stemmed from making and keeping boundaries. One of those boundaries I made was to not dwell on the details, because not all details are made equally, all while not rendering myself invisible.

*This is what we call a mental tug of war, and why people who have mental illnesses are exhausted even though it's likely they have physically done nothing. Not throwing shade, it just do be like that.*

Details are messy, and it's a headache to keep track of them. The moment I decided to not be bound to the details was when I found freedom. The messy details caused my PTSD in the first place, why would I keep track of them and be retraumatized in the process? My boundaries keep me from wasting time and energy. They keep me on the path of healing.

Unfortunately, boundaries aren't always enough to keep all triggers at bay.

For a long time, I hated the word "triggered" because of how loosely it is used out of context online. It's thrown around like it's a joke, so when someone is truly triggered by an actual traumatic event, it isn't taken seriously.

This is a tragedy. Not only is it insulting, it is very annoying.

Being triggered is almost a daily thing for me. Some things don't trigger me nearly as badly as they used to. A detail will sting for a little and I'm able to calmly work through it and move on. Then there are other triggers that are like bombs. These bombs vary. I typically experience one of two types; one goes off immediately, exploding in my face, and the other is like a time-bomb. The latter of the two is the worst. 

Time-bombs are sometimes not noticeable. You're reminded of a seemingly innocuous detail that used to bother you. You might even celebrate being able to breeze past the detail. Minutes go by, hours go by, sometimes a day or two, then it hits you. 

It leaves you doubting your intuition. How could I have not known? But the thing is, you did know, because you could almost hear the seconds counting down to the explosion. But you decided to push past it anyways, because celebrating growth is much easier to process. (Not to mention, way more fun.) There is relief when the smoke clears, but you only find that the smoke was keeping you from seeing the debris around you.

Time-bombs are the worst.

My most recent trigger was a time-bomb. Hours went by before I realized how affected I was by a seemingly harmless conversation. The conversation details are not important here, but rather how the trigger, like all other triggers, gave me those two choices; grow or suffer.

The trigger was a catalyst to self-discovery, as I recognized the bitterness I let into my heart. Choosing to grow meant extending grace and forgiveness in the hardest ways, praying for strength as God showed me the hardened parts of my heart, and how He can fix them. It was difficult and embarrassing to face the parts of me I thought I didn't have, the parts I thought had healed. 

Making the decision to grow or to suffer is really simple, because no one wants to suffer. However whether or not it is easy is an entirely different conversation. Simple decisions often require lots of work, but the pay off is priceless. The sick and twisted irony of having a mental illness is that you need energy to grow, but energy is often scarce. But to get the energy to do the work and grow, it requires that the work already be done. 

Sick, isn't it?

It's hard to call yourself out on your own dumb behavior, but it's even harder living in that dumb behavior. Choosing growth is simple, but it isn't easy. The bottom line is that you have to make a choice, because not choosing in this scenario is choosing to suffer. 

*How many times can I say "choose" in one sentence?*

Despite this mental tug of war, I've found ways to share those little bits at a time, without violating the boundaries of others. My journey to tell my story has brought me to the conclusion that it's not entirely ready to tell. I remember being told a few years ago that your seasons will change, but your calling will not. I constantly remind myself of this while I find the building blocks for my book. I will tell my story, it's just not the right season for it.  

It is widely known in the counseling community that healing from trauma, when the work is being done to heal, takes at least two to five years to feel a sense of normality. I'm only in year two. In these two years, I have become more aware of my thoughts, which has brought me a lot of peace. Yes, my external circumstances have changed for the better, but that's not the peace I'm referring to.

Being more conscious of my thought life has helped me better identify my toxic traits, changing my internal circumstances for the better. That is where I find my peace and how I can keep my peace. (Because life likes to go "lol hold my beer" when external stuff is good, but it can't "lol hold my beer" your internal stuff unless you let it. Never depend on the external stuff for peace.)

I'm learning that the best thing to do with triggers is to let them happen, because they will, regardless of boundaries. When you let them happen, feeling rise, indicating deeper problems. Feelings guide you to the root of those problems, and from there work can be done. For me, I write, I pray, and invite God to the battle.

The only thing I ask of those along for the ride, please be patient with me as I slowly open up about my story. I don't want pity and I don't want opinions on what I should have done better, because quite frankly I'll ignore them. I am still healing and still have so much work to do. I will never say that my decisions were right or wrong, but I stand by them, because I did what I thought was best based on the choices God laid out before me. And really, that's all we can do.

It drives me crazy sometimes because in a way, I'm thankful for the details. They gave me the opportunity to grow. My trauma didn't make me stronger, the choices I made to grow despite the trauma is how I've become stronger. 

And that is all there is to it. Grow, or suffer. It's really that simple.

~Working through a trigger doesn't always have to be so clinical. Sometimes it comes in the form of baby snuggles, mindless sketching, and Thai food. 

Luke Skywalker Probably Didn't Need a Therapist

The absolute butt-kickery that is going on in my spiritual life is, well, kicking my butt.

I've started reading Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. I'm only 5 chapters in, but every step of the way has me examining all of my thought patterns.

It's a big soul poke. All of the soul-pokage. The whole thing.

I have to try harder than most to make the best out of my thoughts, keeping my brain from being an absolute warzone because I have PTSD and depression. Lately I've had more good days than bad, but the bad really comes out when something goes wrong or when something upsets me. I become a self-deprecating dork, I don't eat, and I almost physically feel my brain spiral out of control into dark and negative thoughts. 

"Well, things always go wrong. This is just my lot in life, to not have anything go right for me. Everything is pointless. Why even try to make things better if this is where it will always end up eventually? I'm not worth it anyways."

This is absolutely not normal. It says in scripture in many ways that peace is n o r m a l (I'm still really trying to understand this.) God offers this to us freely, we just have to choose to take it and live it out in our lives. 

In this book I'm reading, the whole focus is on shifting our thinking, to renew our minds and to take every thought captive. If we want to have positive and life-giving thoughts, we must choose to have them. This takes a lot of discipline. 

*Wait, you can choose how to think? There's got to be a catch that seems way too simple.*

There is literally no catch. It just takes time and work to get good at it.

People often get this mixed up with choosing how to feel, which is entirely different. Feelings are indicators. You can't help but feel threatened or discouraged or annoyed by certain things, the difference in positive and negative thinking is what you choose to do with those feelings. 

I think about the scene in Return of the Jedi where Darth Sidious is trying to goad Luke into fighting Darth Vader, saying things such as "I can feel your anger, use it." In this scenario, Luke is given the choice to use his anger to fight Darth Vader. In this same fashion, we are given the choice to use our emotions in a way that is healthy or unhealthy. 

*When in doubt, use Star Wars as examples for spiritual health and wellness. It's foolproof.*

In my life, I've needed to shift my focus off of what is going wrong to how temporary it all is, and how healing takes time. In the span of 2 years, I got a divorce, got remarried, and had a baby. I've had so much change in such little time. I've had to learn how to heal from the trauma I experienced in my divorce, all the while enjoy the beauty that came from it. I've had to make a lot of choices in my thought life. Triggers come up, as they do, and I have to choose to examine them so I can learn and grow. I have to recognize that I am 4 weeks into working out consistently, and it will take time for me to get to my goal. (Post-partum mom bod is a thing. But at least I'm starting to fit better into jeans woohoo!!) I have to be patient with my growing baby as he learns to communicate because cries and coos are all he knows, and it isn't his fault that he needs to eat in the middle of the night. Mama is tired and crabby, but at least she's learning.

"Things go wrong, but that's okay. I learn how strong I am when something goes wrong. I am allowed to feel frustrated and tired, but I will not let that dictate my day. The pain doesn't stay, and I am growing with each step. I have a healthy, growing baby, a husband that loves me, and a fresh start after a hard season. It's just a bad moment, not a bad life."

The path to being better and thinking better is one choice away. Ultimately, we have every right to feel how we feel, but we do not have the right to use our feelings in ways that are unhealthy, at the expense of others, and at the expense of ourselves. 

Having the weight lifted after choosing life-giving thinking is so freeing. (If the weight of thinking negatively was quantifiable, I would be so ripped tbh, it's kinda rude that I'm not.) Thankfully, it does get easier, because once the choice is made, you really won't want to go back. 

~Given the nature of Jedi training, I doubt that Luke ever needed mental health counseling. 

Take That, Adele and Lionel Richie.

I'm in a weird season. 

For the first time in a long time I have a lot of time, but I don't really at the same time...

I welcomed my beautiful baby boy into the world this year, and it's stretched me in many ways. (Pun intended maybe?) 

I'm having a hard time with this stretch. Lack of sleep, turbulent hormones, combined with recovering from a c-section and learning what it is to be mama is the balancing act of a lifetime. I've been stretched in many other painful ways in the past, but this season takes the cake. 

*Can we please stop using the word stretch because I'm stuck on the horrible pregnancy pun and it's getting ridiculous.*

I've always had something that has taken up my time, whether it was school, a job, a boyfriend, my time was always taken up by something, or someone. So now, after several life changing events, I find myself married, with a bachelor's degree, a baby, and no other obligations in the middle of a pandemic. 

I am restless. 

In the midst of this restlessness, I've been trying to do things that I haven't had the time to do before, like finishing my pile of "to make" art projects, to better integrate learning a language and working out into my schedule, and to actually rest (which is ironically the hardest one seeing as I was very good at resting in the form of procrastination while working on my degree lol.) This is easier said than done because babies need mucho attention. 

Well, at least my language learning habit is paying off. 

It's been about 11 years since I've written here, and it's something that has been on my mind for a while. Not necessarily to write a blog, but to just write. I've been working on a book off and on for about 2 years, talking about my experiences, spiritual growth, and how my divorce was a catalyst to something great. I've been silent for so long about many things, and I'm tired of holding my truth in. I've just never been able to coherently put the words together and in the right order. Maybe writing here will help with that. 

Luckily, my writing style and voice has changed since March of 2010 thank God. I wonder why I was even ALLOWED to be near the internet 11 years ago. 

So with the stretching and many things and stuff that have happened since 2010, I thought that breaking my 11 year hiatus with a little "about me" blurb is in place. 

Hello, it's me, or was it "is it me you're looking for..."

1. Yes, it really has been 11 years since I've posted. I have two drafts with later dates however, one from 2015 and one from 2018. Both absolute word vomit. It was fun to read them, and also a bit depressing. It's crazy to see how much can change is just a few years. I've been blessed to see that the changes were healthy for my growth, and that God was in every single detail. 

2. The "now what" after getting a bachelor's degree hasn't quite hit me yet. I'm bracing for when it does.

3. My toxic trait is letting people use me as a doormat and not speaking up until I've reached a breaking point. I learned about this trait under the worst of circumstances, and the response to me standing up for myself was not well received. 

4. I have watched more TV in the past 4 months than I have in the past 4 years. Post-partum recovery is no joke.

5. I love getting inspired and being inspired. The tricky part is moving to the "action" part. I do get there, eventually. Usually when the bub is napping or asleep. Yay motherhood!

6. I've been making stippling drawings of plants lately and I'm super in love with them. I broke the plant streak with a stippling drawing of a penguin, one of a dragonfly, and a gouache painting of a paradise tanager bird. I'm really drawn to nature.

7. I never knew how fun it would be to blow raspberries back and forth with your baby. 

8. Now I understand why people drink decaf coffee; they're either pregnant, breastfeeding, or it's a personal choice and coffee snobs who nEeD cAfFiEnE need to mind their own business and let people live their lives. (@ past me who thought decaf was just for the bad breath, though to be fair I was a college student working part time running on a constant 4-5 hours of sleep.)

9. I've noticed this huge rise in conscientiousness about healthy body positivity, mental health, and being kind to others, and as someone who has depression, PTSD, and body image issues after pregnancy, I am HERE FOR IT.

10. Less is more. I've been taking decluttering seriously since I went through my divorce with my first husband, and it's made my house neater, my head clearer, and my spirit lighter. 

Here's to weird seasons, introductions and all. 

~On another note, I've just finished watching Cheers and now I'm watching Doc Martin. I am totally sucked in.