What I Wish I Knew About Mental Health #1

This is something that has been on my heart for a while. 

As it may be obvious based on my previous posts, talking openly about mental health is something that I feel very strongly about. I strive to be another voice in the battle against mental health stigmas, working towards a future where it won't be seen as an act of courage to be open about mental health struggles, where we can freely speak of mental illnesses in the same way we talk about other illness like cancer. 

In order for there to be a better understanding, there must be openness, on both sides; one side must be open to teach, while the other must be open to learn and cast aside all biases and assumptions. 

This is the first of many posts in a series I'm calling "What I Wish I Knew About Mental Health" where I will discuss a variety of topics such as treatment plans, the do's and don'ts of interacting with someone who has a mental illness, and to create avenues to resources for those who need help, or want to go into counseling as a career. In this series, I hope to shed some light on some issues that I face as a psych graduate with a disordered brain, while creating an atmosphere of welcomed questions and discussion. 

I will not be sugar coating, romanticizing, or white-washing anything discussed in these posts. My mission is to tell the truth, but not without love, grace, and sensitivity; the truth is that mental illness is a very real disability, and affects a tremendous amount of people around the globe. To tell anything short of the very real and raw truth is doing a lot of people a disservice, including myself. Because of the very raw nature of discussing mental health, there will be trigger warnings at the beginning of each post. 

To kick off this series, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce my own struggles, and where my heart is with the project.

*It is very important to note that these are personal experiences, and while I am training to be a licensed art therapist, none of what I write should be taken as medical advice. Please talk to your doctor or make an appointment with a licensed counselor or mental health professional if you feel that you need help.*

***T/W: suic*de, self-h*rm, s*xual trauma, nightmares.***

I have been diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and nightmare disorder, which is a type of parasomnia. I have been in mental health counseling since April of 2019 when I started noticing that I was experiencing symptoms of depression. I started with going once a week, then once every two weeks, then once a month, and now I go at least once every other week. My treatment plan is fairly fluid, and discussed often in my counseling sessions. I journal, read in my Bible, workout, and get outside as often as possible, though journaling has shown the best results in my healing process. I do not take meds, not because I'm anti-medication, these at-home treatments in conjunction with counseling just work for me.

My diagnosis for depression wasn't until November of 2019 when I started experiencing more symptoms, notably thoughts of self-harm and suicide. When I started imagining self-harm as if it were an itch that needed to be scratched, that was when I was really worried, and discussed a possible diagnosis with my counselor. Months later, around January/February of 2020, I was diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my traumatic divorce due to intimate betrayal and sexual trauma. (Many details of that are stories for another day.) Nightmare disorder is my new diagnosis, as of early last week. I see now in hindsight (which is always 20/20...) this is something I've been aware of since the end of 2017, meaning I've been undiagnosed for four years. (Apparently dreaming exclusively about spiders, the world ending, casting demons out of things or places, and my trauma isn't normal???) Sometimes my brain likes to throw in something new, like horrible things happening to my son or my husband. (just to keep it spicy I guess..?)

As someone who is studying to become a licensed art therapist, not seeing the signs clearly has been frustrating for me. My PTSD and nightmare disorder diagnoses were not a surprise to me, once I was prompted. It was like the pieces all came together once it was brought to the front of my mind that there was a name for what I was feeling. I wasn't blissfully unaware of my symptoms, it was just frustrating to not see and name my experiences first. It has made me feel incompetent in my abilities as one who studies the subject.

I never thought anything of my dislike of sleep for four years, even as a full-time college student with a part time job and now as a mother of an infant. I didn't think anything of my anxiety right before bed, or that constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop was a trauma response. Four years, I thought that I was one of those weirdo adults that was afraid of the dark, but it turns out that it is also a symptom. These diagnoses have made me learn to have grace for myself, and further instill in me the importance of not leaning on self-diagnosis. It is a constant battle between the pride I take as someone who is educated, and the fact that I am not fit to diagnose my own problems.

So, that's me in three paragraphs.

Talk about fun, right? 

Even in the thick of my hardest days, I've never lost hope. I don't know if this is because I know the science behind mental illness, but I've been able to see the other side of things and keep my days in perspective. I have to try harder some days to find the silver lining, but I find it nonetheless. It's a responsibility and a privilege to find hope in dark days when the only thing you want to do is crawl into bed and do literally nothing. 

These struggles I face have only fanned the fire inside of me to be a part of the solution, to show people like me that they're not alone, and that their struggles are valid and very real, despite what others may say. 

I hope that this has been enlightening, and perhaps enjoyable (?) to read. In future posts, I'll go further into each of my diagnoses, what I like to do to find my hope, and answer questions if I get any. (I'm still getting maybe 20 people at most that read my posts, so we will see??)

~Leaps of faith are super scary but I'm doing it anywayyyyyyy.