Embrace Doubts, Stop Doubting. Believe.

I finished reading the Bible in its entirety last Easter, which turned out to be very timely because I wrapped up my reading in John where Jesus rose from the grave and appeared to the disciples. (I literally could not have planned for my readings to land this way, it just happened and it was thrilling.)

Having grown up in the faith, I'm familiar with the story. But reading it this time, something else was revealed to me in the way Jesus appeared to Thomas. As I read the passage in John 20, my heart went out to Thomas, because the poor guy has such a bad reputation. Even now, 2000 some-odd years later, he is literally known as "doubting Thomas" — sometimes we're even warned to not be like him. It makes sense; he was one of the twelve disciples, who saw Jesus' ministry first hand, and he still had his doubts. 

Thomas responded to the news that Jesus rose from the grave with doubt.  "I won't believe it unless I see the nail wounds in His hands, put my fingers into them, and place my hand into the wound in His side!" (John 20:25)

Our natural inclination is to think "well I would never" but we actually "always" on a daily basis; how many times are we promised provision or healing, and we doubt that God will actually come through? We trust Him with our salvation, yet we doubt that He'll provide for us with the little things, like when money is tight or when we need healing from sickness. 

Despite the warnings and misgivings about Thomas, I think we should be more like him, because his doubt was not born of rebellion, but out of the motivation to find the truth. Thomas didn't stop at doubt, and that's how we should respond to doubt in our own lives. 

What I love most about this passage is how Jesus responded to Thomas in verse 20:27. "Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and look at My hands. Put your hand into the wound in My side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!"

It struck a chord in my spirit, so I made a sketch.

      

A few months later, I couldn't stop thinking about the drawing, so I put the drawing on canvas. I didn't start working on the painting until a couple months later, on March 4th this year. I finished the painting on March 7th. 

When I finished, I stepped back, looking at the way the gold foil catches the light. I wish you all could see it in person. Photos don't do it justice. 

The longer I stare at this painting, the more I feel an overwhelming joy rise up in my spirit — a response to an invitation. When we look at verse 27, Jesus could have easily condemned Thomas for those doubts, for not believing He had risen. Instead, Jesus invited him closer. 

What a wonderful love this is where instead of condemning us, God calls us closer to Him so we can know the truth. 

Doubts are not the enemy, and we need to quit looking at them as such. Instead, we should see them as opportunities for God to shine through and work — all we have to do is draw near to Him, ask questions, and listen for His still, small voice as He covers us in peace and bestows upon us wisdom to squelch our doubts. 

That's all doubts are — thoughts that have not been given a drink of the Living Water in a long time. Doubts are cause for refreshing, asking questions, and learning to listen. Do not allow doubts to turn your heart to stone, but instead, let it lead you to God who wants to show you the truth. 

Like what Jesus did for Thomas.

That is a love I cannot take for granted. He does not get angry with us when we come to Him with our questions born of doubt. When we bring our doubts to God in search of answers, we're acting in accordance to our design to be dependent on Him — that's what God wants from us. He wants to show us the truth. He wants us to depend on Him and to have a relationship with Him, to grow our faith and for us to experience the joy that comes with it. Acting in accordance to our design in this way is how we experience fulfillment; we were made for this loving interaction.

He does not condemn me for my doubts. When I worry or when I get anxious. When I decide to take my own path and do what I want. When I trust myself more than I trust Him; He still invites me close so I can see the truth, know the truth, and walk in the truth, with grace abounding. There is no greater love than that. 

Be like Thomas. Embrace your doubts, find the truth, and believe. 

Proud Imperfectionist

Perfectionism is a straight up scam. A farse. Fake news. 

So I'm quitting it, cold turkey.

Well, as cold turkey as I can get because even now, I'm struggling to write this. Because it has to be perfect. The irony is real. 

I've given a lot of thought to the perfectionism issue because I'm just one of many victims that fall prey to it. It's insidious, with the shiniest of exteriors — what could go wrong with perfect, right? However "perfect" isn't the issue because, as it turns out, ✨we are the problem✨

The age old "human condition" strikes again, which is why we shouldn't aim to be perfect, but to be better than we were the day before as we all run our own race. In order to do that, we need to embrace imperfection. It's the only way we can ever hope to find the peace and freedom to become our very best selves. 

Perfectionism exists in many forms, one form of which is in season; the infamous new year's resolutions. It's not surprising to see people fall off the wagon within two weeks of January first because the expectation that the "new year new me" mindset is going to carry them through the year is not sustainable. 

A "fresh start" doesn't actually exist, so expecting it to help you become the best possible version of yourself is a trap. The path to self-improvement based on a "fresh start" promises immediate results and lasting change with little effort. I'm not against self-improvement, however. (If you're new here, read some of my older posts lol) I'm not even against new year's resolutions, it's great to have goals. But there has to be an understanding that we never actually get a fresh start because we all start from experience. A fresh start mindset doesn't take into account your bad habits or the version of yourself that you're trying to change; your gluttonous-holiday self, your last-January self, your toxic-traits self. It's all brought into your fresh start; those bad habits took time to form, and it will take time to break them. 

It's healthy to expect mistakes, but only when you give yourself the grace to learn from them — mistakes are not true failures, neither is a lack of motivation or not being able to meet your goals with your all, every day. Quite frankly, that's also very exhausting and not sustainable. The only way you truly fail is when you dwell on your mistakes and give up entirely. It's why the diet never lasts beyond Monday, why studying is still hard this semester, and why a gym membership isn't used beyond the first session.

Perfectionism is relative, therefore, it can be selfish and manipulative. This is simply realized when we ask random people on the street what their perfect afternoon would look like. Who is one person to tell another that "perfect" only exists as reading a book on the couch, when the other's "perfect" is spending time with their kids? The "perfect" pizza for a vegetarian would definitely be different than the person who regularly orders a meat lover's. Perfect is relative, therefore, it does not exist. 

This is why it s u c k s. We are digging our own graves, killing our motivation and creativity with an expectation we've set for ourselves based solely on preference. It's the perfect poison. (Pun is so intended.)

You could argue that it does exists but only in the relative sense and that there's a word for it, so I guess, yeah sure, it does. But doesn't that defeat the whole idea of perfect? Isn't it supposed to be, by definition, a universal standard?

Philosophy aside, perfectionism is a burden. There is no grace in it, no peace, and no room for growth. It's a breeding ground for pride and anxiety, driven by the unnecessary pressure and panic of "getting things right" all the time. We weren't designed for this panic. God did not make us from dust and bone for us to run around like headless chickens, worrying and trying to get things perfect, as if God hasn't already done all of the work for us. We are fallible, and will never live up to "perfect." Without imperfections, there is no need for grace. And with no need for grace, what did Jesus die for?

I don't expect that with this epiphany I've had, I'll have all of this mastered going into the new year — that would be duplicitous of me and deliciously ironic. But I do know that making the decision to let go, let God, and to refuse participating in "perfect" I already feel unburdened. So, I urge you dear reader, to unburden yourself, and find peace by embracing imperfection. Peace is a bond and it ties us together in humility because of our shared understanding of the inevitability of mistakes. You free yourself from weighty expectations, and assumed responsibility and control that you don't actually have when you tell perfection "no." Imperfections are what make life so much sweeter, more authentic, more gracious. That is why I am a proud imperfectionist.

~Special thanks to Oliver Burkeman's newsletter and this Christian R&B playlist I found on Spotify for inspiring this post✨